Brace yourself. Winter is coming. For Chicagoans, this is ominous on multiple levels. First, in the literal sense—while Chicago winters aren’t quite as bad as Westeros, they aren’t easy. Second, the cold weather brings with it family holidays. For many, this is the most ominous part. With winter coming, you brace yourself for family drama, political debates, and eating yourself into a coma. Emotions are still raw from the last presidential election and stakes seem higher than ever.
Now, perhaps you’re thinking, “this doesn’t apply to my family (or my relationship with my in-laws). Should I keep reading?” Well, I’m obviously a little biased here, but yes. I think the tips can be applied to other situations as well.
Top Two Tips for Dealing with Family this Holiday Season
I could probably write a whole book on this subject. Family dynamics and helping people have healthy, happy relationships is my jam. But for the purpose of giving you something quickly digestible I will keep it short and leave you with my top two tips.
First, stay compassionate
Your relatives are not internet trolls. They are family (by blood or by marriage) and those relationships are likely important to you. Besides there are probably many things you value about Uncle Frank when you’re not thinking about how much of a narrow minded jerk he is. (Just take a cue from little Kevin McCallister when he thought that he lost his family for good).
So treat your relatives and their beliefs with compassion. You don’t have to agree with them. You don’t have like or support their beliefs. And you don’t have to be complicit in racist, homophobic, or sexist statements. But you do need to treat the speaker with compassion.
Why? Because they are family, a fellow human being, and by treating them with contempt you are stooping down to the level you so despise. When we lose compassion for a group of people (Liberals, Conservatives, the Religious Right, Atheists, Gays, Women, People of Color, etc) we step seeing them as people. And when we don’t see them as people, we dehumanize them. And dehumanizing people has enabled people to do horrific things (holocaust, slavery, rape/pillage civilizations). Allow your family to keep a human face to the other side of politics. Just because Congress can’t seem to find a common ground doesn’t mean that Thanksgiving needs to be just as divided.
Second, be curious
No one changed their mind by being criticized, belittled, or demeaned. If your father-in-law mentions that he’s glad that Trump is building a wall get curious (not critical). Ask him to tell you why. Why is this important to him?
Curiosity and compassion are where you have leverage. You can share your own experiences and have meaningful conversations. Most of us have holes in our logic and often obtain our information from questionable means (biased new sources, Facebook, etc). If you get curious, you can find out where they are coming from and also have some leverage to compassionately challenge their belief system.
Now I don’t want you to be curious in a Machiavellian way. You likely won’t change their mind. But you can start to have more productive and compassionate conversations. You can understand the other side. And you can stay civil. (Which is always a good thing when there are carving knives within reach!)
So here’s to a happy holiday!