The reason women want to “talk it out” is because that’s often how we feel connected. But when we’re having relationship issues, talking it out has the opposite effect for our partners. They feel trapped, constrained, and inadequate as we probe, nag, and cajole them. So they push back and shut down. This makes us feel even more disconnected. And the relationship issues grow.

“We just can’t seem to communicate”

People often come into couples counseling because of “communication problems.” While it’s true that they aren’t communicating effectively, the underlying issue is a lack of connection. Emotional disconnect, not miscommunication, is why they feel like they are living with a roommate as opposed to a partner. And we can only survive the roommate syndrome so long before things start unraveling.

“But if we don’t talk about it, how can we fix our relationship issues?”

Repair attempts don’t always have to be “talking it out” or even verbal. Part of connection is expressing our love in the way that our partner is mostly likely to receive it. And part of it is continually committing to put in the effort to connect. It’s about calming yourself down in the moment, figure out what is triggering you, and being the best version of yourself. We can’t control other people but we can control how we react to them.

And when we change our reactions, we open up new possibilities for the relationship. Take nagging for an example. When you stop nagging your partner to do things, the dynamic of your relationship changes. You stop feeling like his mom and he stops feeling like a little kid. This then opens your relationship up to the possibility of being partners in this life.

Fixing your relationship starts with you

Decide the person you want to be. Take ownership of your life. The blame game has no place in a healthy relationship. You’ll have relationship issues as long as you keep pointing fingers. But if you decide you want to be the best person and partner that you can be, you’re in for a treat.

How great would it be to feel connected, loved, and appreciated by your partner? How amazing would it be to not nag and to be cool, calm, and collected? You can have that. I’ve seen it happen. You just need to follow the advice above. Please reach out if you’d like some help!