“Courtship to marriage is a very witty prologue to very dull play.” William Congreve (The Old Bachelor, 1693)

If you google “relationship quotes” (like I do to share on my Facebook Business Page), you will likely find a pretty dismal depiction of passion in marriage. These misconceptions sadden me because people think that they have to settle for a sexless, passionless marriage or divorce their partner and start anew. And that is simply untrue.

Yes, many of the couples who come in to see me feel like they have a roommate rather than a spouse. But, with the help of couples therapy, most of these couples are able to reignite their passion and enjoy their life. There is absolutely hope for you and your relationship.

I will only be able to scrap the surface of rekindling your passion in this blog post. But I can at least get you started in the right direction. And, if things in your love life are slow burning or basically snuffed out, getting started might be all you’re up for anyway.

Why Do We Lose Passion in Our Marriage?

We get lazy in our relationships and often take our partner for granted. There is nothing sexy about that. We expect that our partner will stay with us and have our back even if we aren’t investing in our relationship. Sure you might be doing things for the family and household tasks, but there’s more to a relationship than that. We want to feel wanted by our partner. We want to feel desired, loved, valued, and appreciated.

Show Your Spouse Appreciation, Affection, and Admiration

Show your partner that you appreciate them. You probably are really grateful for the things they do to manage the house. Tell them. Focus on the positive things and you’ll see more positives. Focus on the negative things and you’ll see more negatives. If we know that our efforts are appreciated, we’re so much more likely to continue them.

Physical touch is important. It leads to bonding. And, if you’re lucky, it can also lead you to the bedroom. But, if your not-yet-turned-on partner thinks that you’re just doing it to get laid s/he might shut you down real quick. So try to stay in the moment and focus on connecting rather than getting laid. It might just turn into foreplay. And if not, it’ll at least increase connection which could lead to sex in the future.

Shower them with admiration. Affairs happen when we start seeing others in a more positive light than our own spouse. Keeping that admiration strong is important. When I get annoyed at my husband I try to refocus on the positives (there are so many!) instead of the silly little annoyance (not filling up the Brita with water). We are both way happier individually and together when we focus on admiration instead of criticism.

Be Your Own Person (Not Just the “Other Half”)

When we lose ourselves in our relationship, we miss out on advocating for our wants and needs in our relationship and the bedroom (or kitchen/car/wherever you like to do it). We also become stressed, overwhelmed, and lonely a lot faster. We lose sight of who we are, what we want, and what we need.