Congrats on your engagement! Amidst all the wedding planning (choosing colors, flowers, dress, playlist/DJ/Band, cakes, a caterer, a venue, wedding party, etc), I want you to make sure that you are prioritizing what is MOST important: Your relationship. Even the most budget wedding can be pricey and cutting costs is normal. But just like you have non-negotiables for your wedding (something you won’t budge on), I want you to do this same with your relationship. Some things need to be prioritized whatever the cost.
No matter where we are financially, we always invest in what is important. And since you’re making this commitment, I’m going to assume you value your relationship. Interestingly enough, while we take out homeowner’s insurance, car insurance, life insurance, and even insure our engagement rings, we often forget to do what it takes to ensure our relationship succeeds.
Investing in Your Relationship During Your Engagement
There are two major components to investing in your relationship during the engagement period. First, you need to be spending quality time together going out on dates. Continuing to date during the engagement period sets you up for success down the road. And, no, Netflix and Chill doesn’t count as a date. So prioritize your relationship, give it the attention it deserves, and have some fun!
Second, and I cannot stress this enough, is premarital counseling and enrichment. The more prepared you are for marriage, the more successful you are likely to be. My free “Investing in Your Marriage” workshop is a great place to start. But I do recommend diving deeper whether you go through a more intensive workshop, premarital counseling, or DIY it.
Before getting married, here are some important topics to cover:
Premarital Topic #1: Finances
You’ve probably heard that financial matters are where a lot of couples get hung up, struggle, and even fail. How we view money and financial security can be very different from our partners. Some people are thrifty and others are spenders. We also might have different priorities on how to spend (and save!) money. I always recommend that couples talk about how they are going to handle bills, expenses, and plan for savings. What worked for you before marriage (separate accounts) might not be what you want to do after getting married. Better to get clear on this now.
It’s also important to be transparent about how much you make, how much debt you carry (credit, student loans, etc), credit score, and spending habits. The more you know early on, the more proactive you can be about your relationship. You don’t want to be finding out about credit card debt when you’re filing for bankruptcy or bad credit when you’re applying for a mortgage. And knowing just how much money you’re working with allows you to budget appropriately.
Premarital Topic #2: Expectations
Unmet expectations are the silent relationship killer. Frustration from them festers in our relationship slowly eroding it until it rots from the inside out. Being clear early on with both yourself and your partner about what are your expectations for marriage. Get them out in the open, talk it over, and figure out what is realistic, what needs modification, and what should be let go. I want your relationship to be a success story!
Premarital Topic #3: Kids
Not everyone wants kids. Whether or not you want them, I recommend having the conversation about why you want or don’t want them. Some reasons for “why” are subject to change. And this is a big topic/lifestyle change so you want to make sure that you are REALLY on the same page about this one.
If you do want them, it’s worth considering at what cost. I’ve seen relationships in tough spots because of infertility. Sometimes couples are at odds with one another about next steps. Would both of you be open to IVF? Or adoption? Or fostering a child with the hope of adopting them?
How do you want to raise kids? Will you raise them within a certain religion or culture? What values and skills do you want to instill in your child(ren)? Its also worth talking about your values and parenting styles/approaches you’d like to take with your kids.
If one or both of you already has kids, explore the other person’s role in parenting. This gets even more complicated if the child(ren)’s birth parent is still in the picture. Because you have to take that parent into consideration as well.
Premarital Topic #4: Intimacy, Sex, and Romance
How are you going to keep the romance alive? Things get hectic during the engagement and wedding and many times couples start marriage burned out. (Which is why I recommend dating through engagement!!) If you already have a plan in place, you are off to a much stronger start. It’s like grocery shopping, meal planning or sticking to a fitness routine. I know, I know. Plans aren’t sexy. But knowing what the plan is if you go a bit without sex can lead to a sexy outcome…
Also talking about what turns you on and what turns you off is important. What gets you into the mood? What dries you up faster than a naked Donald Trump? These are vital conversations to have. I recommend being proactive because it’s much easier to do this now than 5 years down the road when things have gotten off track.
Obviously there’s much more to premarital work but that’s a good start. If you’re interested in really investing in your relationship and diving deeper, I’d love to help!
Your relationship guru,
Theresa