Parenting and Conflict Resolution
Parenting is hard. Conflict is inevitable and resolving it can be challenging. Because kids’ brains are still developing, they don’t always have access to higher intellectual functioning skills like critical thinking, problem solving, empathy, and emotional regulation. It’s not that they won’t listen, it’s that, in this moment, they can’t listen. This makes conflict resolution very complicated for parents.
When conflict arises, your kid is letting you know what they need help with in that moment. Maybe it’s emotional regulation, maybe it’s how to handle disappointment or frustration, or maybe it’s how to communicate their feelings appropriately. Of course they’re not using their words to say this. They are screaming, yelling, throwing things, hitting/kicking, and/or having a complete meltdown. Basically they are communicating their needs in a way that you are least receptive to hearing them.
Often parents get frustrated with the behavior and go straight into punishment or discipline. They send the kid to their room, give them a time-out, threaten to take something away, ban screen time, or maybe even resort to corporeal punishment. When we react instead of respond, we forgo using our higher intellectual functioning skills and lose out on teaching our kids important life lessons.
Effective conflict resolution for parents
When you discipline your child, I want you to think of the values and life skills that you want to instill in them. I frequently hear parents say that they want their kids to grow up to be respectful, independent, considerate, and in control of emotions and behaviors. The model of discipline that I want to introduce to you (based on “No-Drama Discipline” by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson) is one that will help you teach your children these values and life skills.
First you have to calm yourself. You cannot effectively discipline a child if you are not able to calm down. Kids do not respond well to yelling or angry tones. Second, you will need to connect to your child. This means getting down at their eye level and putting your arm around them, rubbing their back, or stoking their hair. These actions communicate comfort. This says “I’m here for you when you’re upset.” I also want you to listen to them. Let them tell you what they are feeling. Helping them to identify their feelings is an important skill in learning to calm down and self-soothe. After that, reflect back to them what you heard. Not your interpretation of what they said, but what you actually heard. When we do this, ours kids feel like we get them. There is nothing more comforting than feeling heard.
Once you’ve centered yourself and your kid has calmed down THEN you can move into discipline. Discipline is about teaching your child values and life skills. So it’s not about punishing them but helping them learn. In order to accomplish this, you have to communicate these things in a way that your kid can hear them.
How to best communicate with your kids
So instead of drawing it out… Keep it brief. Address the behavior “We don’t hit.” “We don’t yell.” Give an alternative “Be gentle with my body.” “Use your inside voice.” And then move on. Kids don’t have the attention span for long lectures. This technique tells them what they’ve done wrong and helps them identify a better solution. Disciplining this way helps their developing brain learn right from wrong and how to problem solve.
Instead of talking at your child…. Invite your child to help come up with solutions “We don’t hit in this house. What do you think you can do to make it up to your brother?” “You were running in the house and knocked over the lamp. What could you do differently next time?” Once again, you’re helping your child’s brain grow and develop. In addition, you are instilling in your child those values and life skills that are important to you as a parent.
Instead of focusing on the problem… Focus on the positive behaviors that you would like to see “I love it when you speak respectfully. Can you try that again?” “It’s so much easier for me to hear you when you use your big boy/girl voice rather than the whining. Can you ask me that question using your big girl/boy voice?”
Instead of telling them what to do… Describe what you see “Your shoes are in the middle of the floor” “The TV is still on.” You are then putting the onus on the child to identify what’s wrong and what needs to be modified. Sometimes you’ll need to ask so follow up questions like “Are they supposed to be here?” “What time is the TV supposed to go off?” to prompt them. But ultimately you are helping them to make better decisions.
Final thoughts on discipline without the drama
Every time you deal with conflict resolution and discipline I want you to identify WHY this is happening (are they tired, hungry, overwhelmed, sad, scared, etc), what LESSON you want to teach, and the BEST WAY to teach that lesson. Discipline is about helping your child to grow up into the kind of adult you’d want to be friends with later.
I am passionate about helping parents bring the joy back into parenting and the fun back into family time. Please reach out if you’d like more support around parenting and/or are interested in family therapy.