When we first become parents it feels like a huge responsibility. There is a tiny human being who we need to keep alive. So we begin to “make sure” that we do what needs to happen to keep them healthy and happy. We make sure that they’re fed and burped. We make sure that their diaper is changed. We baby proof the house. We make sure that anyone holding them knows the right way to cradle them. We make sure that they don’t roll off anything. We make sure that this little person survives another day, another week, another year.

As they grow up, we continue to “make sure” of things. We make sure they get up, brush their teeth, eat breakfast, put on clean clothes, have everything packed for school, arrive to school on time… And the list goes on. In fact, the older they get, the longer the list.

So as our children become pre-teens and teens, we continue to “make sure” that they do things. In addition, we also try to make sure they are making good choices. We often make sure by giving advice because, as parents, we have all kinds of adult wisdom from learning from our experiences and we would really, really like to see our kids not make the same mistakes that we made.

Now I don’t know about your kids, but when I was a t(w)eenager my parents’ lectures and well-meaning advice giving went in one ear and out the other. The reason? They didn’t get me. Or at least I didn’t think they did. The reason I didn’t think that they understood me is because they went right to well-meaning advice giving.

T(w)eens want to feel understood and heard. Acknowledging their feelings can go a long way. When your t(w)een is talking about something that you feel you need to steer them away from, hold off on the advice for a moment. They will be more receptive if they think you understand them.

So start by acknowledging their thoughts and feelings. So maybe your kid wants to go to a concert on a school night the night before midterms. “It sounds like you really want to go to that concert. You must be pretty excited that the band is playing in Chicago.”

Or you can listen and acknowledge that you are engaged with a sound or a word “Hmmmm” or “Mmmm” or “Okay.”

You can also give into the desire in fantasy which you can’t give them in reality “Wouldn’t it be nice if it wasn’t a school night and you didn’t have to worry about taking a test tomorrow?”

Ultimately you want to validate the feelings while redirecting the behavior “I bet you were super excited when you found out about this concert. Such a bummer that it’s on a school night and you have a test the next day. Hopefully they’ll come back on a Friday or Saturday night.”

Your t(w)een will be upset that they can’t go. But these techniques will reduce the chance of a blow up, of foot stomping and door slamming, of shouting that “it isn’t fair!” and that you are a terrible parent.

You are a good parent. Parenting is hard. Adolescence is challenging. You got this! I am here to help.