Having a special needs kid is hard. Whether it is ADHD, Autism, Bipolar Disorder, or (fill in the blank), parenting a kid with high needs is overwhelming. Perhaps you’ve never hid in the pantry eating ice cream- maybe you crave another comfort food or go to a different room in the house. Maybe you just fantasize about getting a hotel room (alone or with your spouse. But mostly alone with no kids). Perhaps you use your phone to zone out because your pantry is full of healthy, nutritionist-recommended snacks and those aren’t doing it for your current emotional state. Having kids will get you to the end of your rope. Having high needs kids often gets you there faster.
As a family therapist, I support parents and families in bringing the joy back into parenting and the fun back into family time. In particular, I specialize in supporting parents of high needs kids because, let’s face it, that’s tough. The parents I work with report being tapped out, exhausted, overwhelmed. They also often feel guilty because they don’t have the emotional resources to comfort their kids. Bearing the brunt of a meltdown is exhausting. So is juggling all the specialist appointments in addition to running a household and holding down a job. It’s no wonder that you don’t have the emotional capacity to comfort and crying child.
You Are Not a Bad Parent
Bad parents abuse and/or neglect their children. You are an amazingly hardworking, dedicated, and compassionate parent who is at the end of your rapidly fraying rope. How do I know this? Because bad parents don’t read these blog posts. Who reads these posts? Parents who care. I have seen first-hand the drive and dedication of parents with high needs kids. You are their superhero (even if they would never say so). But even superheroes need some help at times. In fact it’s kind of scary to see a superhero at the end of their rope.
Self-Care Is Important (Even Though You Swear You Don’t Have Time for It)
You probably want to stop reading at this point. How could a therapist who works with parents (especially those with high needs kids!) recommend self-care?? Seems like I don’t get you/your real lived life. But, I swear, I do. The overwhelmed parent who is hiding from their kid’s meltdowns by eating ice cream in the pantry, is in desperate need of self care. We sneak in pseudo self-care (eating our feelings, scrolling through facebook) when we haven’t given ourselves quality self-care. And only one of these types of self-care is rejuvenating.
The truth is, we have to take care of ourselves to effectively take care of others. The best thing that you can do for your child is to incorporate self-care into your regular routine. As a helping professional, I’ve learned this the hard way. I’ve worked at agency jobs where I gave, gave, gave and all I had energy for at the end of the day was binge-watching Netflix. I ate poorly, I didn’t exercise, and my sleep wasn’t so great. When I prioritized self-care, I had better boundaries at work, was more effective in treatment, and had more energy to tackle tasks at work and at home. The best thing I can do for my clients, is to make sure that I am taking care of myself. Same thing for you and your family. I know it seems counter intuitive, selfish, and like a low-priority. But you need this right now.
Find Your People
When people get married they go from having single friends to having married friends. A similar shift happens after childbirth – you start gravitating to other parents as your friends. Things get a little complicated if you have a child with special needs. They don’t have play dates and so you don’t have coffee dates. Your friends might not be able to understand your situation. Their ways of handling meltdowns doesn’t work for your child. If you don’t have them already, you need to find your people. You need a support system who gets it. This can be other special needs parents, faith community, empathetic friends, and/or a therapist. But you need your support system as much as your kid needs theirs.
Carve out “Me Time” (and Couple Time)
You are not just a mom. Carve out some time to just do you. Whatever brings you joy. Maybe you get a pedicure while you’re kid is with the therapist. Maybe you read a magazine while you drink your morning coffee. Perhaps you do a few minutes of meditation or journal. Find a way to squeeze in a dance class, a walk/run, or whatever will rejuvenate you. You gotta do you. Also, please make sure you are carving out time for your relationship. Your spouse is your rock through this but, without tending to the relationship, that foundation can start to erode. If it’s already gotten rocky, I’d highly recommend seeking out a qualified couples therapist who can help you get back on track.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out with any questions. I want the best for you and your family!