Betrayal is a major reason people seek couples counseling. The betrayal may have been explicit (a sexual affair) or it may be more ambiguous than that. Sex isn’t the only way we can betray our partner. And when the betrayal comes to light, it can be hard (though not impossible!) to fix. I work with couples to overcome betrayals but always love when we can be proactive about these things and nip them in the bud before they start! What are ways that you can betray your partner without sleeping with someone else?
- Not fully committing to the relationship
You and your partner have committed to one another but there are some lingering doubts in one or both of your minds. Perhaps there is the frequent roving eye, imaging a future without this person, or constantly comparing them to others (with the partner coming up short). For the committed partner there is always a sense of insecurity because, deep down, they know that they cannot depend on their partner to stay. It takes a toll on the partner and the relationship.
- Emotional Affair
“It’s not like we slept together!” Emotional affairs often start out innocent enough. You are just talking. But over time you start comparing your partner to this other person and feeling grateful that this person offers you what your partner can’t. You start telling this person intimate details, smiling when you receive a text from them, and getting excited at the prospect of seeing them.
All these things are the beginning the foundation for a romantic relationship. You may stop here. Or you may cross over into a sexual affair. Either way, you are most likely turning towards this new person and shutting out your partner. You might be getting your emotional needs met but it’s happening at the expense of your relationship. You have to choose.
- Deceit
Relationships are built on honesty and trust. Truthfulness is part of this. If your partner can’t trust that you will tell the truth, it sets a seed of insecurity in the relationship. When that sprouts the roots can crack the foundation and create a gulf between you. The amount of betrayal will depend on your partner’s perception of your lie. A white lie to throw them off the scent of a surprise party? Often not big deal. Lying about finances? The foundation of trust is shaken and often takes professional help to repair.
- Taking sides against a partner
Your partner is just that, a partner. If you are siding with your parent, child, or friend against your partner, you are threatening this partnership. You are saying that you’re not in this together, that you don’t have their back.
- Being emotionally unavailable
It’s human nature to turn to a partner for comfort and support. If you can’t get that from them, especially at a time when you are emotionally vulnerable, this can become a major betrayal. This is particularly true with grief and loss. Whether there is a dying parent, a sick child, or pregnancy loss, if you are seeking support from your partner and they are absent or cold, that is something that is difficult to come back from.
This is by no means an exhaustive life. Other common betrayals are unfairness within the relationship, selfishness by one or both parties, disrespect, and reneging on promises. Betrayals cause rifts that can increase over time if you don’t work to repair them. If you need help find a trained couples therapist who has experience in helping couples recover from betrayals and/or affairs. If you need more support feel free to reach out to me, I’d love to help!