My job is super cool. I help people become the best versions of themselves, improve their romantic relationships, and enjoy family time. Mostly I do this through individual therapy, couples counseling, and family therapy. But, once or twice a month, I also get to do it through workshops. Last week I got the opportunity to talk with a group of moms and daughters about the transition to middle school. I love working with invested parents and their children.
Because I want to help as many people as I can, I’m including some of what we talked about in this blog.
Figuring out the pieces
When life works, it’s a bunch of puzzle pieces that fit nicely together. Hopefully family, school, after-school activities, downtime, self-care, friendship, and support team are all present and nestled together as your daughter navigates middle school. Each of these pieces is important to her development and well-being. In addition to those universal pieces, your daughter’s puzzle might include other pieces (spirituality, service, travel, etc) that are important to your family.
Holding it together when things feel like they are falling apart
Sometimes the puzzle is a beautiful picture and other times it feels like it’s falling apart. As the teen years rear their ugly heads, home life can get tough. Perhaps you’ll need a little help with communicating. Or maybe friendship gets complicated or downtime isn’t used effectively. And your daughter needs help holding it together.
Helping her learn coping skills is super important in this transition. Your daughter’s brain continues to grow and develop (and has a long way to go until it finishes at 25/26). She needs your help and guidance as she transitions from elementary school to middle school.
Coping Skills for the Teenage Years
One thing you can do is to help her THINK before she talks:
T- Is it Thoughtful?
H- Is it Helpful?
I- Is it Inspiring?
N- Is it Necessary?
K- Is it Kind?
Another way of improving relationships and shifting mindsets is practicing gratitude. Sharing with one another things that you are grateful for (in each other and the world) can improve your relationship, communication, and outlook on life. Try these gratitude conversation starters at home and improve your relationship today!
Helping your daughter shift from a fixed mindset (nothing will change) to a growth mindset (I can preserve) is invaluable as she navigates new challenges in middle school. One way of doing this is with Carol Dweck’s concept of “the power of yet.” You might hear from your daughter: “I can’t do this” or “I don’t understand this” or “This doesn’t work.” In these moments, help her take a deep breath, maybe go for a walk, and then add “yet” to the end of those sentences. “I can’t do this YET” or “I don’t understand this YET” or “This doesn’t work YET.” Doing this helps instill in your daughter resiliency, mental flexibility, and perseverance.
Techniques to Manage Stress
To help manage stress and anxiety, I recommend two exercises. The first is a grounding exercise. Have her pick out 5 things that she can see, 4 things that she can physically feel/touch, 3 things that she can hear, 2 things that she can smell, and 1 thing that she can taste. This helps get her out of her head and into her body which should temporarily relieve stress and anxiety.
The second tool is figuring out what is in her/your circle of control. There are many things that we cannot control (who is elected, how others think/feel/act, etc) which can make us feel helpless. When we focus on what is in our locus of control, we feel empowered. We may not be able to control how someone views us and what they say about us but we can certainly control how we respond.
Hope this was helpful. Feel free to reach out if you have any questions or need further support!