I don’t know Melania Trump so I don’t know if she experiences domestic violence. I also don’t know Donald Trump personally or professionally. But chances are if he made it to my office he would leave with a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Then again, I’ve never met the man so I don’t know for sure. I am not their couple’s therapist. In fact I do not know if they need a couple’s therapist because I do not know them.

I do know about domestic violence. I completed a 40-hour certificate training program for professionals working in the field. As a therapist I treat clients who are survivors of domestic abuse and I have friends and loved ones who endured this awful experience. No one is immune to it. We do not teach the red flags to our children and teens. We do not teach healthy, constructive masculinity to boys. This is a societal problem, not an individual one. Society enables domestic abuse.

So is Melania Trump abused? Again I do not know. But Donald Trump shares some common characteristics found among perpetrators of domestic violence. I say this not to accuse him of domestic abuse but to raise awareness of the red flags. My hope is to prevent other people from having this experience.

Domestic Violence Red Flags

What are these red flags? What are the personality traits that he shares with perpetrators of domestic abuse? Donald Trump appears very insecure (arguing alternative facts about crowd size). He is also emotionally volatile (just read his Twitter feed). Trump refuses to take personal responsibility (evidenced by not releasing tax returns or divesting himself of conflicts of interest). He exhibits chauvinistic behaviors (degrading comments against women). Trump lacks empathy or remorse (accused of sexual assault, he always turns the tables to insult the victims). He engages in gaslighting (which is a fancy way of saying that he is trying to make you feel crazy so you start to doubt yourself). Trump also struggles with self-soothing (gets irritated and agitated when being confronted by the press).

Now this does not mean that I believe that our President is abusing his wife. I don’t have an opinion on that one way or another because I don’t know them. What I do know is that lots of people are talking about it. Lots of people have suggested it and countered it.

What We’re Doing and What We Should Be Doing Instead

There seem to be two active camps on facebook. One, the hashtag “freemelania” camp and two, the “she is not a victim” camp. I’ll start with number one. If she is in fact being abused by her husband, the hashtag “freemelania” is dangerous. If she is a victim, these hashtags are leading to more abuse because he will blame her. Victims pay for everything because it always the victim’s fault. We call this gaslighting. Trump is active on social media. He sees these hashtags. He knows. Now he might not be abusing her but, if he is, these hashtags are making it worse. And if he’s not, these hashtags are probably really offensive to her.

The second camp is “she’s not a victim.” If she is not being abused—emotionally, financially, physically, or sexually—I would agree wholeheartedly. But we don’t know that. In addition, the blog posts and articles written by people in this camp vilify her for marrying Trump. Let’s stop. We don’t know Melania Trump and we don’t know her circumstances. We don’t know why she married him or why she’s stayed. If you have an issue with Trump, stick to Trump. In the words of Michelle Obama, a long time proponent against domestic violence, “When they go low, we go high.”

If you (or someone you know) is feeling unsafe in your relationship, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Help is out of there. And you are worthy.