Parenting teens is a challenge. I don’t think any parent, teacher, or therapist is going to tell you otherwise. That being said, there are ways in which you can effectively communicate with your teenager. It just requires you to do something a little different in order to get different results.

I put a meme on Centered Connections’ facebook page that said “Parenthood is saying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Oddly enough that is the definition of insanity. Coincidence? I think not!” How many parents have felt insane after telling their kids to get off the computer, put down the phone, pick up their shoes, clean their rooms, take out the trash, etc a million times?

It’s not what we’re saying, it’s how we’re saying it that has our kids and teens tuning out and making us feel a little crazy. The truth is that we’re humans and we get frustrated and sometimes fall into some common parenting pitfalls. If the smallest request triggers a battle, rethink how you are communicating with your teen.

Parents often find themselves using accusing/blaming “You left the candle burning! You could have burned down the whole house!” Or name-calling “How could you be so stupid as to forget your homework again?”

Frequently parents are giving orders “Wash the dishes right now!” Not uncommonly use martyrdom “I go to work, cook, clean, and you can’t even put the dishes away??!?” Parents also often use comparisons to try to get their kids to see the error of their ways “Your brother cleaned up after dinner. Why can’t you?” Or give long lectures which your teen tunes out after the second sentence and then dismiss the whole thing.

These techniques, while common and well-meaning, are not going to produce the intended results. So instead of falling into these parenting pitfalls, try some of these communication tips that are more likely to engage your teen’s cooperation. Nothing works 100% of the time. But I’ve found these to be far more effective in my work with families, parents, and teens.

Far more effective communication tips would be to try to describe the problem “We don’t use cell phones at the table.” Or you can describe what you feel “I feel disrespected when you don’t do your chores.” You can also give information “Houses have burned down because of a candle that someone forgot to blow out.” Or you can offer a choice “You can do your chores tonight or tomorrow night. Once they’re done you’ll be able to play your video game.” You can also try to say it in a word “Dishes” or state your expectations “In this house we put our dishes away after we eat.”

If you haven’t already read my blog post on Parenting Teens: Communicating with Your Teenager, I highly recommend that you also check that one out. Keep visiting my blog for more Parenting Tips. Let’s bring the joy back into parenting!