Parenting a High Needs Kid
Parents innately have expectations of what their life and family will look like when kids are added to the mix. Pregnancy is a period of heightened anticipation. It ranges from excitement to terror to “I just want the baby to come already!” During this time, you are dreaming of your child and imaging their future. You think about the things that you want to do with them and the hopes that you have for their lives. Every kid, once born, challenges these dreams but high needs kids often dash them.
If your child has autism, play dates and sports don’t look anything like what you’ve imagined- if they even happen at all. Those fun family game nights and outings are often challenging with kids with ADHD or ODD. Work/life balance feels pretty impossible when you have a kid who is frequently admitted to the hospital. You feel overwhelmed by it all. Being a spouse, parent, and person is a lot to juggle when your attention is constantly being required by your high needs kid.
This is not the life/family that you imagined. You feel a little guilty for even thinking it. You love your kid(s)! But this is a lot harder than you expected. And you’re struggling with coming to terms with it and moving forward.
Grieving is normal. It doesn’t make you a bad person or terrible parent. You had an imagined future and now you’re faced with an entirely different one. And it doesn’t feel fair. Right now you are somewhere in the grieving process. There are five stages of grief and we often oscillate between them.
The Five Stages of Grief for Parents of High Needs Kids
Denial
You wonder if maybe your child will grow out of this. Perhaps you try to push them to do something “normal” thinking that if they can just do that, everything will be okay. You’re hoping the diagnosis was wrong. Perhaps you seek out a second opinion. Please, please, please don’t make it be this way forever. You aren’t ready to change every aspect of your life. At this point you’re still trying to parent your kid the same way you would if they didn’t have these needs.
Anger
You’re overwhelmed, worried, and stretched thin. Which means that you are not at your best. Your temper is short and you might be a little snappish. You’re angry with your kid, your spouse, yourself, and probably the universe. It is incredibly painful to watch your kid go through life sometimes. You’re mad that they have to face this at such a young age. You’re angry that you didn’t get an easier kid. And you’re livid that you have to fight tooth and nail to get accommodations at school. Perhaps you even find yourself resenting your friends with “easy” kids who can do all those things you imagined for your family.
Anger can be destructive or productive. It might fuel you to seek out support for making sure you get an IEP in place or it might lead you to cutting off from your friends. Try to funnel it so that you are getting things done and not hurting your relationships or yourself.
Bargaining
You’re bargaining with your spouse on duties, with your employer about hours, and with your other kids about attention. You’re not sure if you believe in a higher power but you’ve definitely started conversing to see if this outcome can be changed. Right now, you’re willing to sacrifice a lot to get a little more normalcy for your kid. You may even bargain with your child’s therapist about outcomes and how quickly she can fix your kid. At this point you are not ready to give up on the chance that this could all change. You are in fix-it mode. How can I change this situation? What can I do to make it better/all go away?
Depression
You’ve begun emotional eating. Possibly in the pantry while hiding from your child’s meltdown. No judgment. Everything feels hard. You don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with things right now. It feels like there’s a gulf between you and your spouse. You’re struggling to comfort your kids. Perhaps you need your own support. Being a parent is hard. Co-parenting a high needs child can take a toll on the parents and their marriage. I definitely encourage you to reach out to your support system and/or a trained professional. You need to take care of yourself in order to effectively care for others.
Acceptance
You have accepted that your kid has different needs than other children. You know that you need professional support to get your family to a better place. In this moment, you are ready to do the work that you need to do to get your kid, marriage, and family to the best place that you can. You don’t like where things are at but you acknowledge that this is your current reality. Given what is going on, you’re doing everything in your power to make the best of things. You’re learning how to roll with these punches.
Where Do We Go From Here?
This is not easy and I want to give you credit for your perseverance. I do believe people innately have the skills to handle these situations but sometimes a little professional support can go a long way. Sometimes parents feel like they should be able to handle things on their own. And in good times, you totally can. It’s like taxes. When I was a W-2 employee, I did my own taxes. As a small business owner, it’s more complicated, and so now I have an accountant do my taxes. Same thing with parenting. When it’s easy, you can do it without a family therapist. When it’s hard, you might be able to figure it out on your own. But it’s probably worth it to pay someone else for their expertise. Feel free to reach out if you need more support!